Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Great Expectations

I didn't know what to title this post, I don't even know if I want to write this post. I don't like to complain because despite our shortfalls and problems, we are very blessed.

But sometimes I want to be honest and use this blog as a place to vent and scream and cry... this post may be one of those pity parties.

Anyway, here goes. Our only tradition in Madison is to go to the Verona Hometown Days fireworks each year. It's a fun little thing we've done since we moved here.

This year we were excited to take Daredevil back because he enjoyed them last year and loved the fireworks at both Disney World and Disneyland.

We had a blast waiting for the show to begin! In our pjs all snuggled up under the blankets! We played with dinosaurs, talked, sang, laughed. Super fun stuff. Magical. Perfect. Beautiful.

And then the first boom booms started going off. Instant racing heart. Instantly in my arms. Instantly trying to get away. He didn't scream, he didn't cry, but he was scared. Scared to death.

My heart broke for him. Something that should've brought joy and excitement brought fear and anxiety. We got out of there as soon as we could get back to the car. Daredevil was great once we got in the car. Me, however? I cried all the way home. I cried because I wanted him to enjoy it. I cried because there are things I want him to experience and love that he doesn't and possibly never will. I cried for myself. I cried for all the things I'm unsure if he'll ever do or ever want to do/experience. It was just a reminder of where we are and how we have to take things slowly, differently. My expectations need to be changed.

Daredevil also got his molars last week so it wasn't a fun week anyway. I dealt with this a lot. A lot!

On Saturday, he was beginning to feel better so we thought we'd try to go to a party his therapy company was putting on.

We got out of the car, walked toward the parking lot festival, he spotted Bucky, started crying, we tried to distract him with a corn hole type game, he pulled Mr Tech Guy to the car and pointed to the door and said "in." This whole scenario took less than a minute. It took longer to buckle him in the carseat.

Another fail for mom. I was sad, but I didn't cry. He just wasn't ready for Bucky and wasn't interested in the festival. He had much more fun at the park we took him to after.

I just have to remember that even though I want him to enjoy something, doesn't mean he will and that's ok. He's allowed to have things he doesn't like. I love him for who he is and what he enjoys. My expectations just sometimes get in the way of remembering that.

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